Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. ~ Lesson is, never try. ~ Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
Marriage has no guarantees If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. ~Erma Bombeck
Light travels faster than sound This is why some people appear bright until they speak. ~Steven Wright
Children really brighten up a household They never turn the lights off. ~ Ralph Bus
A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion. ~George Carlin
I was asked to name all the presidents I thought they already had names. ~ Demitri Martin
Honesty is the key to a relationship If you can fake that, you’re in. ~ Richard Jeni
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~ Fred Allen
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. ~ Agatha Christie
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. ~ Steve Martin
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. ~Robert Bloch
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. ~ Will Rogers
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. ~ Stanley Randall
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. ~ So finally I went out and bought some slippers. ~Sarah Silverman
Why do people say no offense" right before they’re about to offend you?Anonymous
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. ~ The rest cheat in Europe. ~Jackie Mason
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. ~ Helen Rowland
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. ~Henny Youngman
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. ~ Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. ~ Bob Monkhouse
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. ~Will Ferrell
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. ~Demetri Martin
Always borrow money from a pessimist, He won’t expect it back. ~ Oscar Wilde
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. ~ Steve Martin
By all means, marry, If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. ~ Socrates
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start, So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake, I feel better already. ~Dave Barry
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. ~ A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~ Lana Turner
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. ~ That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. ~Jack Handey
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. ~ Groucho Marx
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. ~ She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. ~Dennis Miller
USA Today has come out with a new survey. ~ Apparently three out of every four people make up 75 percent of the population. ~ Dave Letterman
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet. ~Mark Twain
I feel sorry for people who don't drink, When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~ Frank Sinatra
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. ~Douglas Adams
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. ~Henny Youngman
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. ~Milton Berle
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. ~unknown
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. ~ Jim Carrey
If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. ~ If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty. ~ Chris Rock
How come you never see a headline like Psychic Wins Lottery"?Jay Leno
When people ask me how many people work here, I say, about a third of them. ~Lisa Kennedy Montgomery
I love being married. ~ It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. ~ Winston S. ~ Churchill
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. ~ Woody Allen
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. ~Ricky Gervais
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. ~Oliver Herford
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ~Rita Rudner
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town. ~Jimmy Kimmel
